Our Rachel Rosati Warner Is Sizzling Hot!
Led San Francisco “Deal Of The Year”
Swiftly Snagged “Rising Star” Status
SFF&W partner Rachel Rosati Warner was recently recognized in the San Francisco Business Journal for her work in leading the legal team representing Fitbit, maker of the ubiquitous wearable appliance sensation, in connection with Fitbit’s new world headquarters office transaction in San Francisco’s financial district.
Rachel also recently managed to pick up a coveted “Rising Star” designation from Super Lawyer Magazine. We’ve known Rachel is a star for quite some time, and are pleased to know that her legal talents were recognized in this prestigious attorney-ranking publication.
Flashback To 2010 Aubergines Issue
Eerily Prophetic Trump BEHAVIOR Recalled
Hallucinosis, Megalomania or Nutjob Redux?
It’s become extremely difficult over the past few months to read or watch the news without some reference to Donald Trump being made, “the Buttinsky from hell” as The Huffington Post reportedly called him in an off-mic mishap moment.
Back in 2010, though, it was quite a different story. Many knew Mr. Trump as a clownish “birther” and a blustery, putative billionaire, but his zealous quest to become President of the US had not yet gotten any serious attention. But that was then.
Has The Donald changed any over the years? You be the judge. Read his Aubergines Letter to the Editor below from 2010, when, in his own crass and cheeky way, he was desperately trying to persuade SFF&W to take him on as a client.
We think you might find Trump’s six-year-old letter painfully prescient, and possibly preposterously pugnacious. Pitiful, at the very least.
Fast-forward to 2016. Trump has again approached SFF&W to represent him in connection with his shameless and foolhardy scheme to unload his now-defunct and badly disgraced Trump University. It appears that this time, though, he’s abandoned any hope of getting Stanford interested in his scheme. Instead, he’s concocted a three-party merger among Trump U., The Hair Club (“We offer hair loss solutions”) and American Century University, a notorious diploma mill based in Albuquerque, New Mexico that offers, for huge fees, bogus college degrees, PhDs, medical degrees and law degrees, all without requiring any course study.
Rest assured. We have advised Mr. Trump that we simply don’t have the bandwidth to accommodate his needs at this time.
Secretive Panama Firm Pitches A Pairing
Promises SFF&W Prosperity, Perpetuity
Assures Anonymity, Indemnity
Unlimited Pet Benefits, Too
SFF&W was approached recently by Ramon Fonseca, the charismatic lawyer-novelist co-founder and name partner of Mossack Fonseca, the Panama-based global law firm that has recently been the subject of intense media and government scrutiny resulting from an unauthorized public release of a monumentally enormous cache of its confidential client files.
Mr. Fonseca’s clear mission: to join forces with SFF&W and to do so muy pronto.
The Panama Papers, as they have come to be known, have led to the resignations and/or major embarrassment of the prime ministers of Iceland, Azerbaijan, Russia, England, and Spain. Leaders in Belarus, Zimbabwe, Equatorial Guinea and Lichtenstein are reportedly missing and considered to be fugitives from justice.
Although we are approached regularly about mergers by much larger law firms seeking to gain a foothold in Silicon Valley and to trade on our sterling reputation, our usual response is one of indifference, and we stress the high degree of calamitous culture clash we would predict from such a union. Mr. Fonseca, however, charmed us by arriving without an appointment. He initially posed as a Jehovah’s Witness evangelist, a group whose representatives we always welcome due to their eternal optimism, pleasant demeanor and unfailing politeness, not to mention their willingness to pass out our business cards and flyers in downtown Palo Alto to “anyone who looks like the next Mark Zuckerberg”.
Once in the door, Mr. Fonseca quickly and sheepishly admitted his deception. His pitch: “Let’s do a deal, a merger of equals! M&F/SFF&W, SFF&W-M&F, whatever. We’ll give you full naming rights. You’ll have to work a lot less, and you’re going to earn a lot more”.
We must confess, this pitch – especially the part about our working less – did manage to grab our attention.
We were assured that all we would have to do is sign a few thousand pages of deal documents, all “standard for deals like this”, all in Spanish or Esperanto, and all governed by the laws of Panama. Then we would have to immediately wire $1,000,000 of our funds to an escrow account with a Mallorca-based bank controlled by Fonseca and his family. The closing is to occur in Georgetown, The Cayman Islands, on June 15th, and is “highly urgent”.
Although we understandably have some reservations, we are treating this overture very seriously. It is currently under review by our key tax advisors (H&R Block) and legal advisors (Sheldon Silver, of Counsel, Weitz & Luxemberg, New York). Obviously, some of the key issues to be examined carefully are the compatibility of firm cultures, the likelihood of the Menlo Park office retaining full autonomy and blocking rights on the new firm’s board of directors, a low profile in tax audit and prosecution matters, free Fiat 500′s and pet health insurance and, most importantly, free catered and delivered meals from Dairy Queen on a 24×7 basis.
We’ll of course keep you posted on any developments.
The Town Of Atherton
Aubergines has continued to closely monitor the police blotter of the Town of Atherton, one of the nation’s toniest zip codes, in search of not only some amusing examples of how a police force is utilized by its ultra-rich citizens, but also to look for of any signs of a tech slowdown in Silicon Valley.
Our award-winning reporters’* relentless investigative efforts have again been richly rewarded.
Dr. Phil Meets Lock-Up: Raw
It was reported recently in Atherton’s police blotter that “…a resident called about a former boyfriend who had called the resident after a long absence, and said he was coming over to visit, but his visit was not welcome….a call was then placed by an officer to the former boyfriend… who decided not to come after all…”
In an era when many complain that Police Departments are increasingly more insensitive and uncaring about their citizens, it’s uplifting to learn that at least one police department goes above and beyond to care for the needs of its citizens. And, it should be noted, approval ratings of the Atherton police are reportedly higher than ever, with no complaints of shooting unarmed suspects, or use of chokeholds or other controversial examples of excessive force being used.
Atherton police declined to respond to our reporters’ repeated calls seeking to confirm rumors that consideration is being given to a new motto for its men in blue: “Atherton Police: We Have Feelings, Too.”
We wondered if a recent Atherton blotter report of “…a tow-truck … on James Avenue, repossessing a Volvo station wagon …” might be a harbinger of a tech downturn, possibly a credit card maxed-out entrepreneur living in one of the many Atherton mansions that have been converted by their enterprising owners to hostel-incubators, some reportedly housing as many as 30 or more tech startup entrepreneurs. Our calls to the Police Department to gain further details were not returned.
Homeless in Atherton?
A recent Atherton blotter reported on complaints by Atherton’s Lloyden Park neighborhood residents of a “homeless encampment” nearby. Although “encampment” does not sound like a solo one-night stand, our intrepid reporters’ efforts to obtain further information from police headquarters did not meet with success. A visit by our reporter to the Lloyden Park neighborhood found no signs of homeless persons, tents, cooking gear or beverage receptacles, and residents who would answer their doors would not answer questions and threatened to call, you guessed it, the Atherton Police Department.
Another blotter entry reported a complaint by a citizen that she heard voices coming from her back yard. Police investigated and found nothing. The resident complained again, and the police returned the next day, this time finding two men who appeared to have set up housekeeping in the resident’s backyard tree house, eating a pizza that had just been delivered. The pizza-eating trespassers ran when they saw police, and were not captured. The only identifying characteristics the police reported on were red Stanford T-shirts and crisply-ironed khaki slacks being worn by both persons, and a crumpled document left behing entitled “Series Seed Term Sheet” indicating it was seeking to raise $100,000 for Gargle.com, described as “the leading web-enabled provider of home-delivered oral hygiene products in the world”.
* A partial list of our reporters’ countless awards will be provided upon written request made during periods of full moons, record San Francisco high tides and minimal seismic activity along the San Andreas Fault as reported by the U.S. Geological Survey as and when published in the U.S. Congressional Record. A modest charge for handling and shipping will apply.
Letters to the Editor
We deeply regret that we are quite behind in opening the many letters to our Editor, due in no small part to the great distraction of having Hulu TV’s Vice crew in our modest offices filming a documentary about Aubergines, Gawker.com and Sean Penn, which is tentatively titled “The Bold New Faces Of Journalism”.
Also, the random mention of SFF&W on Saturday Night Live for being legal counsel to the Dos Equis Brewing Co. regarding its immensely popular ads featuring “The Most Interesting Man In The World” character has sparked a significant upward spike in our new client intake.
In addition, new business growth has been uplifted by our editor’s having mistakenly mentioned in a boozy, late night interview with online tech news zine Pando Daily’s perky editor-in-chief Sarah Lacy, that the SFF&W average lawyer hourly rate had been “recently increased to $19 per hour”, a rate which he had intended to refer solely to our swelling ranks of bubbly, always-grateful and well-meaning interns, not our lawyers.
Please be advised that our attorney hourly rates continue to be exceedingly low, so low in fact that our lawyer (thanks always, Sheldon) won’t let us put it in writing, or say it on the radio.
Aubergines is a quarterly review of borderline-authentic news which publishes about twice per year. Nothing contained in Aubergines may be construed as legal advice or a legal opinion. Don’t even think about suing us. What few assets we have are securely lodged in the island nation of The Cook Islands, which does not recognize and will not enforce judgments rendered by the United States, or any jurisdiction for that matter.
If you are fond of reading materials where highly annoying words like emoji, artisanal, curated, milieu, GIF, ennui, selfie or meme are in frequent use, you won’t be happy here.
And while there are widely reported accounts that regularly reading Aubergines will result in lowering one’s blood pressure, arresting male pattern baldness, reversing gluten and lactose intolerance, relieving menstrual cramps, eliminating toenail fungus, relieving spastic colons and chronic bed-wetting, stopping stammering, thwarting incontinence and impotence, and taming annoying tics, Chron’s Disease, and Hashimoto’s or Dress Syndromes, absolutely no such guarantee or warranty of any kind shall be applicable here.
All rights are waived in perpetuity and forever thereafter. No representations or warranties, express, implied, inferred or deferred, shall apply in any circumstance whatsoever. This disclaimer is fully valid and enforceable even in jurisdictions where it might otherwise be invalid, including outer space, the afterlife and beyond and even after the Tesla’s Model X begins delivery to its more than 350,000 $1,000-prepaid reservation holders, or the date when Elon Musk’s Hyperloop is finally completed, whichever shall occur later.
© 2016 Seubert French Frimel & Warner LLP All rights reserved.